RP#26 Ricky Rudd

It's a nice sunny WARM Sunday afternoon in eastern Tennessee. Did I mention that it was warm? On this nice spring time day NASCAR Billy steps out of his new apartment with his soon to be wife Heather slamming the door behind him. We can hear Heather screaming at Billy but can't quite figure out what she is saying. On the front porch Billy adjusts his National Guard #88 hat and reaches in his back pocket and pulls out a can of dip. That's when Heather rips open the door and storms out onto the porch.

"DON'T WALK AWAY FROM ME!!!!!" Heather says. She is red in the face, full of piss and vinegar. "YOUR FREIND HAD HIS LEG BROKEN AND YOU STILL WON'T QUIT!!! THIS IS BULLSHIT WILLIAM!!! WHAT IS THAT?!?!?! IS THAT DIP?!?!?! YOU TOLD ME YOU QUIT?!?!?!"

Billy takes a huge pinch of chew and stuffs his lips with it. He hasn't had any chew in a week and it felt great to get a little dip in his lip right here, right now. He closes his eyes and just enjoys tuning out Heather.

"I WILL NOT PUT UP WITH THIS ANYMORE!! YOU ARE QUITING THIS WRESTLING NONSENSE!!!! IT IS TIME TO GROW UP WILLIAM!"

"Don't call me William anymore women. My name is Billy. NASCAR Billy." Billy says calmly.

"WOMEN!!!! WOMEN!!!! DID YOU JUST CALL ME WOMEN?!?!?! HOW DARE YOU! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!?!"

"Women. I'm thirsty. Get me a beer. Now."

Heather June Thomas slaps Billy across the face. "YOU WILL NOT COMMAND ME LIKE THAT!! I WILL NOT GET YOU A BEER! I AM NOT YOU BAR WENCH!"

On the porch there are some potted plants and Billy calmly walks over to one of the pots. He takes the flower that is in the pot. What kind of flowers they are doesn't matter anymore as Billy rips them out of the pot and Heather believe it or not looks like she's going to blow another gasket. Billy scoops the potting soil out of the pot and onto the porch where he pulls out a mason jar of moonshine. A homemade jar of Redneck Remedy. Heather's eyes are so wide they could fall out of their sockets. Her jaw is hanging wide open in shock.

"WHAT IS THAT?"

Billy uses his shirt to rub the dirt off of the top of the jar and he unscrews the lid and takes a sip of shine.

"Oh yeah. That's hit the spot right there."

"WE ARE DONE WILLIAM! DO YOU HEAR ME? DONE! GET YOUR SHIT AND GET OUT!"

Billy walks up to Heather and looks right at her. "Keep it. I ain't gunna need it no more." and then holds his jar of shine up at her. He starts to walk away and Heather crosses her arms trying to contain her anger. As Billy steps off of the porch and stops. He turns. Sips. "Just so you know Heather sweetie. You are the most beautiful women I have been with but god damn, you are a real bitch! Oh and since we are airin' everything out. I never did sell my car. I still have her. She's the real love in my life." Billy then turns and starts to walk down the driveway. Heather picks up a small flower pot and throws it in Billy's direction.

"FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!"



The next day.

Since it warmed up that means only one thing. Billy can go back to living in the camper in the field on his uncle's second cousin's farm! That's where Billy went and Monday morning the door to the camper opens up and standing in the door way in his boxers (and nothing else) is NASCAR Billy. He picks up his can of chew off the table by the door and stuffs his lip before slowly stepping out of the camper onto the fake grass of the "patio". On a block of wood is a half empty mason jar and Billy picks up the jar and unscrews the top.

"Well dis was one hell of a weekend huh? I just couldn't take it anymore and I broke up with the stunning Heather June Thomas. She was tryin' to change me, get me to quit wrassling and I couldn't take it no more so I walked out. No dip. No shine. Can't drive my car. Church way too many times a week, holy hell she drive me nuts. Yeah sure she was easy on da eyes but murder on da ears!"

Billy takes a sip of shine.

"Den der was Pine Baron and Kahzir standin' in the ring right before der match callin' me out like I was duckin' em or something. As we know now from what happened in Joe's match, it be a tad hard fer me to defend da UWL Tag Team and trust me Kahzir.....der is nothing more I want than to step in da ring against you two and show everyone in da UWL just who da best tag team in the UWL truly is! Like da last team who claimed to be da best tag team in the UWL, dey learned just who da real tag team was and as soon as I get things sorted out with Joe.......Ima gunna show you why NASCAR Billy has been da only tag team champion since October. I have reign supreme all winter long and just like old man winter, I ain't going away anytime soon!"

Billy spits and takes another sip of shine.

"Here it is Monday morning and Ima fixin' on headin' on down to the hospital to see how Joe is doin'. I heard he had to go under da knife and get a pin er something. I ain't never broke my leg so I have no idea what dey be talkin' about. All Is know is that Steve feller better watch his back because when I see an openin' you big oversized ape. Ima gunna bust up yer leg."

Billy spits and takes a seat on the block of wood.

"So last night while I was walkin' on down to da bar I gets a text message from Nanook who is still in Philly with Joe tell me dat da UWL has booked NASCAR Billy in a match dat doesn't see the new....old.....no longer wearin' a mask TV champion defend his title against me, Winterborn and Cross. Listen, from where I'm sittin', Da Great Mannquini......Even Caravelle, whatever your name is dis week. You should be lucky dat yer title isn't on da line dis week because NASCAR Billy......."

Billy spits and pauses for a second. He looks down at the ground and takes a sip of shine before looking back up.

"Ima all worked up. I have dis pent up rage flowin' through my body! It just make me want to lash out and punch sum thing! I keep seein' Steve take Joe's leg and smash it around the ring post and I just want to scream......I picture myself just erupting like da Hulk you know. Just BOOM! HULK SMASH!!!! And I's want to smash that fooker Steve Sinclair right upside da head! But instead I gets you, Winterborn and Cross. You know I dunno even know who dis Cross feller is, why is he even da match anyways? Is he der to be my personal punching bag? If so then fine! I'll start on you Cross and when you can't stand no more, den I'll focus on Winterborn and den Ima all over Even Caravelle or Great Mannquini. Ima just filled with so much Billy rage.......I swear to god, Ima gunna hurt someone! Ima just....."

Billy takes a sip of shine and tosses the jar away. He balls up his fists and starts to shake with anger that is just trying to burst him at the seams. But then someone calls out to him and he stops shaking.

"Billy. You coming back to bed?"

Billy spins around and his new roommate is standing in the door way of the camper wearing a NASCAR Billy shirt and his tag team title low on her hips.

"I got your title on but the snaps....they seem stuck and I need help getting it.....off."

She is a good looking girl, even after sobering up in the morning. Billy grins.

"I'll be right der babe."

"I hope so.....it would be a shame if this never came off."

And she turns and wanders into the camper. Billy stands up and digs the dip out of his lip and flicks it onto the ground.

"Well at least I can get some relief today but by da time Saturday rolls around. Everyone in dat match.....will have to legally change your names to mud. If you ain't first, then you just suck!"

Fade out.