RP#22 Fireball Roberts

Downtown Knoxville in Billy's El Camino with the love of his life, Heather is walking out of a coffee shop with two cups of coffee. She is all smiles because today Billy promised to take her shopping for some stuff for their new apartment that she insisted they needed to get, which is the guest house in back of her parents house. They need curtains, pots and pans and a ton of other stuff that Billy doesn't know why they needed them. She wanted Billy to pull over so they can get some coffee on their way to Bed bath and Beyond.

Billy is leaning up against his car as Heather comes walking out with the coffee.

"I can't believe you drink this black." She says as she hands a cup to Billy. Billy takes the cup and smirks.

"I can't believe I'm having coffee at noon. It's drinkin' time. PBR time."

Heather puts her hand on Billy's cheek. "No silly. Alcohol is the devil's drink. All it does is lead to sin."

"So it does."

"You'll thank me for leading you away from drinking, smoking, chewing and living in sin. God wanted us to meet at that party that night. You're my soul mate. I gave you my heart and soul." Heather leans in towards Billy closer to his ear. "Among other things." She gives Billy a quick kiss on his cheek. "God wants you to live a clean life William. A life rich in scripture and giving praise to the lord. He doesn't want you to destroy your self with the drink. God doesn't want you to poison yourself with chew. He wants you to life a pure life William. A life of love from not only him but from me as well."

Billy has nothing to say. He keeps thinking how in the hell did this happen to him? How did he get stuck with the crazy one? He was all on board when he sobered up and discovered just how beautiful she was and when she threw out a real nice place to stay for free basically, how could he say no? Maybe getting hitched isn't so bad.

3 days later thou.....

"I just want you to know William that I love you and I care for you. You complete me. Now let's gets going so we can register at the store. Okay?"

Billy takes a sip of his coffee and smiles. "Can't wait."

Billy makes his way around to the driver's side of his car and is about to open the door when Heather pauses.

"Do you think we can sell this thing? Maybe get a Prius?"

Billy looks across the roof of the car, his car, his dream car like she just cursed him out or something.

"A what?"

"A Prius. This thing is a death trap William. I'm starting to think the devil built this car. Yes. This is what the devil drives in hell. We best stop by the Nissan dealership on the way home William.
This car has to go."

Billy's head starts spinning and spinning as Heather climbs into the Devil's car and shuts the door. He could really use a drink right now.



Some time later they arrived at Bed Bath and Beyond. Billy said he had to look at something on the car and set Heather on in ahead of him. He is pissed that she wants Billy to get rid of his car and needs to calm down before erupting and saying something he will regret. As he pops the car hood he starts to vent.

"I ain't sellin' my damn car! She can forget that idear right now! Bad enough I can't drink, make shine anymore. I dunno who she thinks she is but that shit ain't happening."

Billy raises the hood of his El Camino and reaches into this front area behind the headlights and pulls out this small metal ammo box and opens it. Inside the box is can of Skoal. He taps the top of the can a couple of times and pops open the can of chew. 3 seconds later he stuffs his cheek full of chew.

"Ah thank god....I need this."

He puts the can back in the ammo box and back where he got it from and closes the hood.

"hmmmm Now I can relax and think about how Ima gunna keep my car. I ain't gettin' rid of my car. It's just ain't happenin'."

Billy moves to back of the car.

"Much like how I ain't losin' to the Great Mannquini. Now, right now life at home is all up in the air. Yeah sure Heather is a fine lookin' lady. One of da hottest I have ever seen but man, she is crazy. But I don't know who is crazier. Heather or Mannquini. First off! NASCAR isn't a lazy man's sport! It takes skill to drive a car off into a corner at 200 miles an hour Mann! What if da car doesn't stick huh? Then what? You better know how to drive. Who do you think sets up da car to make sure it turns going into da turn huh Mann? Yeah it ain't some lazy guy! It takes a group of highly trained men Mannquini! Gear heads all working together to make da car da best it can be, so it drives da best it can drive and handle da best it can handle so they can win. If your lazy than you'll never win Mannquini!"

Billy reaches in the bed of his car and picks up a empty soda bottle. He unscrews the top.

"I don't know if you were payin' attention or not while you were losin' to Brooks, and Karma and who ever the hell you were losin' to, but Joe and I were beatin' da hell out of Bad Intentions! Ain't neither one of lazy as you think we are. We're both at da top of this sport! We're da best damn champions in the UWL right now! Forget about Justin Brooks. Forget about Karma. Hell forget about you too! When you talk about which champion is da top dog in the UWL, it ain't Brooks who tweeted about havin' a match in Exodus Wrestling da other day. Guess he can't cut it in the UWL no more since he lost to Caleb Hart over the weekend. You and Karma just got your titles and that leaves us, the UWL WORLD....."

Billy spits in his empty soda bottle.

"Tag Team Champions. We are da longest reignin' champions in da UWL today! Ain't no one held their title longer than us! Not Brooks! Not Karma! Not even you Mannquini or da guy who got da title from. Dis title has been around my waist since October. All winter long! Dis winter has been long and cold, a long cold winter and our run as da Tag champs is equally long! From where Ima sittin'. If you were rankin' the champs. It's us, then Brooks, Karma and coming in dead ass last, you Mannquini! Yup. You heard dat right. You have da lower tier championship. You should be so proud of your self."

Billy spits in the bottle again.

"I ain't much for dancin'. Now I'll be honest, couple of years ago before I became da best champion in the UWL, you could catch me at da honky tonk bustin' a groove on da dance floor with Jessica. Oh lordly, Jessica knew how to dance. Ima not one for rap but I loved that song bump and grind with Jessica. That's da kind of dancin' you'll ever see me doin'. But I ain't doing dat with you! You want to dance, then go do dat on your own time! About da only dance Ima gunna do with you, is da track bar adjustment dance."

Billy spits again.

"You see. Dat was da best Daytona 500 of all time! Better than Dale SR finally winning it! Better than Petty winnin' in 84. Better than ever other Daytona 500 race because Dale JR won fer the second time and how dare you say it was a bad race! Dat race right der was GREAT! And because you went der.....to steal a line from da Heart break kid. Ima tunin' up da band, and Ima gunna go to work and give ya a adjustment like you have never had for your ignorance. No one disrespects JR like dat and get away with it! Ima gunna put ya in your place, Ima gunna put ya back on your losin' streak and start off your championship run, in last place. Because if you ain't first, then you suck!"

Fade out.