Post by Steve Sinclair on Jun 13, 2014 14:09:38 GMT
What do you get when you take....
And a....
and throw in a....
Then get your nerdy little cousin to play this......
Why you call you Knoxville and tell em to send the camera man cuz it's
MUSIC VIDEO MAKIN' TIME!
HELL YEAH!
(Key: spoken, Singing)
The front side door to the old 1968 40 foot trailer swings open and stepping out of the trailer wearing black cowboy boots, old beat up blue jeans, a white wife beater with a red and white flannel shirt over the top of that and a #88 Dale JR trucker hat is NASCAR Billy. He steps out onto the plywood deck that was painted red to match the rood of the trailer...8 years ago. He has a mason jar in one hand and a bucket of KFC in the other. Billy takes a couple of steps to his left where a chunk of wood is sitting there acting as a side table next to his 70's era folding lawn chair. Billy sets his mason jar down next to the bucket of KFC and takes a seat. He picks up a chicken wing and takes a big bite out of the colonel's seven herbs and spices.
"Sweet baby Jesus dat is good! Finger liking good! So damn good it has moved me.....moved me to....."
Billy looks to his left and sitting on a metal glider is his cousin Earl with his bad ass Dime like guitar in his hand. Billy nods and Earl begins to play Travis Tritt's It's a great day to be alive.
As Earl plays Billy bobs his head as he unscrews the top of his mason jar.
"I've gooooooot"
Billy begins to sing and not too good either. He's not winning American Idol anytime soon.
"Hot Pockets cookin' in da microwave.
I haven't pooped in three days and Ima not plannin' to poop fer another two.
And I know what yer thinkin' but let me say.
It'll be okay."
Billy holds up his mason jar and takes a sip.
"Yeah, what can I say? I make homemade Shine.
And it taste real fine, much better than wine.
I ride around on a tractor."
Billy stands up and walks to the edge of the deck where his John Deere tractor is sitting.
"Because it makes me feel real happy"
Billy points at the camera
"And dat's da truth!"
Billy takes a step down off of the deck.
"Every night I send a pray to Colonel Sanders,
And thank him fer fryin' up Chicken instead of bakin' up a pizza.
Cuz let's face it, any idiot can do dat.
And fer dat, I'm doin' alright."
Billy takes a deep breath and thrusts his arms outwards....
"And it's a great...
DAAAAAAAAAAAAY
To be NASCAR Billy!
Soon I'll be kickin' Pizza Boy's behind.
Stompin' a mud hole in dat Sicilian,
And dat's why I'm first, and you just suck."
Earl just starts to go off and rips into a huge solo. I know it's not in the original but who cares.
Billy walks over to his tractor and on a pole off the back of it is the confederate flag. Billy takes the flag pole and takes it out of the holder on the back of the tractor and starts to wave the flag back and forth.
"Dis is something you will never understand Pizza Boy. See dis here is "Merica! Not Italy. We deep fry everything! We cover it in flour and some seasoning' and drop dat shit in hot oil till it floats. We don't need to make everything round and stick it in a oven. Anyone can do dat cuz it takes no skill at all. Unlike fried chicken, pizza is like a plain doughnut. Nothing to get excited about much like you. You think everyone likes you because you think you are good but let's face it. Kids like ya cuz you're just easy and plain. Quick, easy and fast and dat from what I hear sums up yer love life. Wham Bam Thank you mama. Just like Domino nowadays, you deliver in under a minute."
Billy stakes the flag pole in the ground next to him.
"I ain't never heard of Dixie's Trailer park till today. Hell Pizza Boy I ain't even gots a computer so Ima never watched Internet porn. Ima too busy hookin' up at the Honky Tonk. Stompin' my boots, meetin' real life girls. Buyin' em drinks, gettin' to know em before we head on back here and really get to know each other. I guess dat is how I....what is it you computer guys say? Download nekkid chicks? I get em nekkid and in my bed. As you'll see Saturday night in da ring, der ain't no callous's on my hands. Don't you know dat type of self abuse is a sin? Or do you just ignore da pope over der in Italy?"
Billy reaches in his back pocket and pulls out his can of chew as Earl is still shredding in.
"You know sumthin. You one racists sonofabitch. I ain't got no sister. No brother. Ima a only kid. Ima never seen my cousin Lacy nekkid either. While I might have grown up in a trailer park doesn't mean I didn't go to school fer a while. I don't know where you grew up but around des parts. You help your mama out and if dat meant droppin' out and gettin' a job dat meant droppin' out and gettin' a job. A good old southern boy loves his mama and dat is what I did. Yeah sure, I might chew, drink and raise hell but I would rather do dat den take my shoes off and stomp grapes with my bare feet. Ima can't wait till tomorrow night when you are in dat ring and you can't go anywhere. Ima gunna make you pay fer everything you been sayin' dis week you racists bastard. Ima gunna go Redneck crazy on ya. Ima gunna have redneck rage flowin' through my veins and Ima gunna unleash my fury on ya. No one is never afraid of a pizza boy but when a big old southern boy gets liquored up and he get's dat look in his eyes, boy you better look out cuz someone is gunna get hurt and dat someone is you! When it is all said and done, I'll have ya squealin' like a pig, cryin' fer mercy and da back of yer neck......"
Billy spits and slowly walks over to his El Camino as Earl settles down a tad and back to playing Travis Tritt's song again.
"Will be red after I drop ya on it!"
Billy walks to the driver side of his car and opens the door.
"Well you might have to get ya a new tattoo after Saturday night.
One dat says ....
3-1.
Why don't you go grow a Fu Man Chu....
Dat way you can know how it feels to be a real man...
And not some little boy."
Billy sits down in El Camino and starts it up.
"And it's a great
DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
to be NASCAR Billy!
Cuz if you ain't first....
Den you just suck!"
Billy drops into gear and punches it kicking up dirt as he peels out.