Post by Steve Sinclair on Mar 20, 2015 18:12:55 GMT
Overlooked?
In a gym somewhere in Tennessee is NASCAR Billy. This gym just happened to have a ring sent up, maybe he’s at a boxing gym. Billy is wearing his a pair of shorts and is facing the ring leaning on the ring apron breathing heavy. He has just finished a big workout for his rematch against Bowers. His long hair is soaked and so is his beard. Nanook, all 400 pounds of him waddles in and he sets a water bottle down next to Billy.
”Firstly, allow me to apologize to all of the viewers out there who get squeamish when you see back hair. There is a reason why we have always seen my boy NASCAR Billy with a shirt on and it has more to do with his love of Nascar. Believe me. Not only is his hair long, his beard is long but I firmly believe that this kid is a direct ascendant of Bigfoot. I’ve been in many locker rooms in my time and I have seen some guys with massive amounts of body hair, but nothing like that and for that I am sorry. But I’m not here today to talk about my boy’s body hair, how much he smells like ass or the work he just put in for his match, But I am here to discuss his rematch against Lt. Bowers. UWL’s resident cop.”
Nanook steps away from Billy who picks up the water bottle and takes a sip from it and splashes the rest of it over his head.
”And I know what some of the chatter has been. Oh NASCAR BIlly can’t beat Lt. Bowers, not right now. He couldn’t even beat Chris Nichols, there is no way he can beat Bowers, didn’t you see the match from a month ago? And yes, if you look at his most recent track record you would have a right to think that. Why wouldn’t you? He has over all, just off the top of my head if my memory serves me correctly has won only 3? Matches I believe this year. Here we are in March, half way through March in fact, today is the first day of spring believe or not and I know that is hard to believe with the eastern seaboard bracing for yet another snowstorm this weekend but my boy, my guy, this kid who I have put my faith in, got him the best training money can buy from the best names this sport has ever seen has in fact only won 3 or 4 times in a three month span.”
“Is he hurt I have heard some wonder? I stand before you today and I can say as clear as the sky is blue that NASCAR Billy isn’t hurt. Yeah sure he has the normal bumps and bruises that any normal competitor currently employed by the UWL would have. Nothing that would prevent him from giving his all in the ring this weekend, next weekend against The Rodent or any other weekend in the near future. I mean, if you ask around the locker room Saturday night you will get the same answer from everyone. How are you feeling? Any injuries to report and you will get the same answer from each and every UWL star including our current!, Reigning! Defending! Undisputed! Universal! Wrestling! League! Triple! Crown! Champion! Caleb! HHHHHHAAAAART!”
Nanook points at the camera as he said that, very Paul Heyman like.
”And the Champ would say he is fine and you might even get a LOL at the end with a nod and a wink. Why? Because that is what wrestlers do. They fight. We don’t have a bunch of Chris Borland’s in that locker room calling it quits after one year afraid for their health. No the men in professional wrestling for the most part are real tough guys! Real men! A Man’s man! They drink! They curse! They fuck and they fight! If you were looking for something to compare them to in history, you could say that today’s wrestler, grappler whatever moniker you want to label them are your modern day pirates. Some, not all even look like pirates. They are unkept, haven’t showered in ages and like pirates they TAKE what they feel is rightfully theirs! And like pirates, some of them partake in illegal activities. Some of these actions might be as minor as shopping lifting a Iphone case from Walmart. Most of what you see are the Frank Merritt kind of rules breakers. They like to roll a blunt, kick back and smoke and watch some women who really have no business getting naked, strip on stage for a few dollars and god bless them for that. In the ultra rare case you have people who set fire to a city block and get away with murder….”
Nanook shrugs.
”Allegedly and those kind of characters don’t seem to last in this sport. The law does catch up with them after a while and I’m not here to discuss those people. But I am here to discuss my guy Nascar Billy and his activities outside of the ring. Now first we need to say this fact and this fact is undisputed. In the UWL merchandise sale food chain you have Caleb Hart at the top and right on his heels is Nascar Billy. Billy pushes almost as much stuff as our Champion Caleb Hart outselling the likes of Josh Eagles, Brandow Shadows and including Caleb’s opponent next week at Honor and Glory Chris Nichols and Lt. Bowers...combined. Now those two individuals might not care how many shirts they push but the UWL is now a national promotion. The UWL is on Fox Sports One every week with a 2 hour show. The UWL has branched out of it’s Knoxville roots and hit the road for national tours including Japan and now Hawaii. I even hear that a tour of Canada could be in the works so sales at the merch booth does mean something. The UWL is seen in 50 states and many countries around the world and my guy, your guy Nascar Billy for whatever reason has been selected by the fans of the League as one of their hero’s. They love him. They have embraced the South’s favorite son. They have grown to like, and root for their favorite redneck and have dubbed him the official redneck of the UWL. He is….”
Nanook leans in towards the camera.
”America’s most beloved moonshiner. And there inlines the problem this week. Moonshiners as you know are loved by the people who love a little back woods drink. They love the taste, the fact that they know where it came from. They are, people who love Moonshiners and moonshine the original all organic, shop local, support your neighborhood farmer hippies you will find at farmer markets in the upcoming weeks. It’s not that they are alcoholics and can’t afford mass produced whiskey and bourbon, in most cases moonshine, real good moonshine cost more than Jack Daniels and Jim Beam. Don’t believe me? The next time the UWL is back home in Knoxville take a trip down to Gatlinburg and stop in the Ole Smoky Distillery and check out how much they get for a bottle of Apple pie. Despite what a popular TV show on Discovery will have you believe moonshine isn’t this cheap corn and sugar whiskey that inbred toothless soths lap up out of a pan. It’s doctors. Lawyers. Hard working blue collar folk who want a nice smooth drink and they will pay for that drink of their choice and it’s because of that, that my guy NASCAR Billy has set up shop in his cousin’s farm and started making his brand of shine, Redneck Remedy. Now even though Billy here has legal papers that states he can in fact make his own Moonshine legally in the state of Tennessee there are some who might frown on this. There are some who might like the fact that Billy here is infact breaking the law. Now who in the UWL might be this kind of person you ask?”
Nanook pauses for a second. Billy in the background turns around and is leaning up against the ring and crosses his arms.
”A man and his girlfriend who by the way is trying to get a job with the FBI and I would guess she would sign up for the ATF if she could only to make this guy’s life hell. I don’t care if he is a wrestler now. I don’t care if he has a shot at Caleb Hart and the Triple Crown title next week at Honor and Glory. Lt. Bowers is a cop, a K9 cop in fact as he still has his little dog with him and once a cop…..”
Nanook tilts his head down slightly.
”Always a cop. Oh he might not publicly say that he dislikes what Billy does. He wouldn’t dare. The fans would turn on him in a heart beat. The biggest supporters of Redneck Remedy are in fact UWL fans, so much so that the UWL had to break down and file for a liquor licence in many of the states they now operate in to sell Moonshine at the merch table and trust me when I say this, that shit sells out at every show the UWL can sell it at. As it always has been, moonshine equals money and money as we know, makes the world go around. You can’t stand there and tell me that Bowers deep down wouldn’t love to bust the big bad money grubbing moonshiner and bust up his still for old time sakes.”
Billy pushes himself off of the ring and walks over and stands next to Nanook, his agent, manager and best friend.
”This match raises an eyebrow doesn’t it? I have spent many of hours in the past two years talking to Jay about my client Nascar Billy. Pushing him to get better matches, pushing to get him a bigger slice of the pie at the merch table. I can stand here and say I see Jay Jefferson more than I see my wife on a weekly basis so I know Jay wouldn’t mess with the money train. Just like Billy here, he needs those T shirt sales just as much or more than Billy needs them. So who in the brass of the UWL would risk this kind of match? Who would dare pin the moonshiner against the police? Knowing that the man hand picked to beat Caleb Hart, when the time is right I might add, could get arrested and destroy the money train for the UWL? Billy here knows this. He knows what could happen if he angered the police. He’s a moonshiner, he wants to be left alone. He doesn’t want to poke the bear, or the pigs so to speak.”
Nanook leans in towards the camera again.
”You want to know why Bower defeated Billy here a month ago? You want the real story behind that match? I’ll give you the real story and there is no need to dial a 1-800 number either.”
Nanook pauses.
”He gave the win to him. He put the police over. Yeah I said it. He laid down and why you might ask? Think about it. If Billy beat Bowers which he is more than capable of doing, would Billy be standing here today to face Bowers in the rematch?”
Nanook takes a step back away from the camera and puts his arm around his guy Billy.
”I think not and you know I’m right.”
Billy takes a deep breath and slowly exhales.
"Bowers…..” Billy says slowly and calmly. "Tomorrow night won’t be a repeat of a month ago. I won’t be goin’ down to da Cop Drop. You won’t be getting any sort of drop on me. Ima not a worried moonshiner today. Ima not worried about getting busted, or worse getting busted up by a cop. In fact it’s not a good time to be a cop nowadays. Every time one of ya gets a little physical and roughs up a perp a bit too much it’s all over TV and you….well soon you are out of a job. I don’t even think you are stupid enough to abuse your power and beat me down for no cause whatsoever. I don’t have to worry ‘bout dat. I don’t have to worry if ya gunna snap and take out my kneecap or worst, use a illegal and banned choke on me because you think Ima some sort of threat….”
”There it is.” Nanook chimes in with.
"Cuz Ima a threat. And you know it you just won’t admit it.”
Nanook shakes his head in agreement.
"You’re not gunna beat Caleb Hart. Chris Nichols ain’t beat Caleb Hart. Hell Cory Chevelle….Gerard Angelo, Ashley Williams, Josh Eagles. Brandow Shadows, Hammersmith, even Justin Brooks or Jason Michaels, all of em, dey ain’t beatin’ Caleb Hart either. Try all day and all night, none of yous are gettin’ da job done.”
Billy points at himself.
"But I am. Oh yeah! Ima gunna be da next Triple Crown Champion.”
Nanook pats Billy on the back. ”It’s true!”
"And….”
Billy pauses and looks down at the floor for a second and slowly brings his eyes back up to the camera and quickly raises his eyebrows.
"Dis week. Tomorrow night, I will win fer da fifth time dis year. Dis time I don’t have to protect myself, protect my business or protect my cash cow. I can go out der, and do what I do best. I’ll channel my inner Kevin Harvick and dominate the series, and lap you Bowers. I’ll slam you into da wall and leave you a wreck right before da biggest match in your career…..you’ll get a big old DNF. Dis week….it’ll be my hand dat gets raised. And why you wonder? Because if you ain’t first….”
Billy takes another big breath in and closes his eyes. He slowly exhales and opens his eyes. It’s a different side of Billy we see today, a more confident Billy for sure. Nanook must have really worked on him or it’s something that has made Billy to change his mindset and behavior.
"Den you just suck!”
The jackman wanders into the picture now and he is holding a shirt. He tosses it at Billy and holds up his phone. It’s the Little Ceaser clip of the guy who walks in to get a hot and ready five dollar pizza and goes, “There are no rules!” and starts to take his shirt off….well it’s queued up to the part when someone yells.
“PUT YOUR SHIRT BACK ON!”
Billy glares at The Jackman as he starts to put his shirt on.
Fade out.
