Univerisal Rumble #1

Back in Knoxville, back at his Uncle Ned’s second cousin’s farm. Back inside the old hay barn behind the milk house on the edge of the grazing pasture inside of “Redneck Remedy World Headquarters” with his camper now parked inside the Shine making capital of the world where Nascar Billy has been repairing it since it was flipped over by angry fans when he bitched slapped this fool at ringside in Hawaii is where we find Nascar Billy.


The camper has been tucked into one corner of the building, sawhorses, scrap pieces of plywood and 2x4’s are in a pile by the door of the camper where Billy has been busy rebuilding the inside of the camper since he hasn’t had a match in close to two months now. But that is about to change.


Billy is sitting in one of those metal lawn chairs from the 60’s, a old big wooden cable spool is in front of him and Billy’s feet are up on it, his CAT work boots are untied and the shoelaces dangle down from his ankles. A black undershirt and a old flannel shirt that both look like they haven’t been washed in a while now and in his hand, a jar full of Shine. This is what Billy looks like as he puts his life back together since dumping Jessica…..


"So the time has come…..the time has come for the world on the fourth of July to witness, the return of Nascar Billy! The UWL’s favorite redneck and number one Shiner in the world is set to make his return back in that ring…….where I belong. On a day where some of my kin folk blow shit up for laughs, when America is gathering around large bodies of water, huge empty fields and standing on roof tops to watch fireworks explode in the sky, to celebrate our freedoms of being an American….dat day…..DAT DAY ‘MERICA!”


Billy takes a sip of his shine. He has this cold stare on his face as he keeps his eyes set straight ahead of himself, not looking at the camera.


"Is when my suspension is lifted and Ima allowed to return to da ring and get back to doin’ what Ima was plannin’ on doin’ in da first place.”


Billy slowly blinks and slowly looks up at the camera.


"Take dat UWL Triple Crown Championship AND DA ROAD TO DAT TITLE…..is now a super highway cutting right through da country side. tailor made fer someone like me to take what is rightfully…...mine.”


Billy takes a deep breath and runs his hand over his long beard.


"I have been more den a patient man standin’ on da sidelines, being forced to stand on dos sidelines watchin’ Bower and Cory get their shot at dat belt while I stand idle by. Caleb just ignores me and dat is fine cuz after dis week, when I win da rumble and create my own fireworks show….”


Billy takes a sip of shine.


"He’ll have no choice but to finally face his fate head on! He can’t avoid me no more…..he can’t run from me no more! Yer clock has just ran out Caleb…..unless by some chance Cory beats ya at Pure Aggression which I highly doubt.”


Billy takes his feet off of the cable spool and leans forward.


"I ain’t waitin’ no more. I’m throwin’ my hat in da ring early. Nascar Billy is firin’ da first shot and der is only one reason fer dat. I’m tellin’ ya’ll dat da road through da Universale Rumbles goes through me! I got cheated out of da Cup of Excellence. I gots cheated out of the Coronation cup. Nanook tells me I wasn’t eligible fer da next level tournament. Sounds like da UWL is just holdin’ me back after it made a bunch of promises. Maybe I should pull a Angelo and go outside of da company and round up a bunch of boys to come back and start shit around here….”


Billy leans back in his chair, puts his boots back up on the cable spool and takes a sip of Shine.


"Maybe dat is what dey want me to do cuz dat would distract me from my real goal, what I have been hand picked to do, what my destiny is and dat is to hold dat Triple Crown Title. Nope.”


Billy reaches in his shirt pocket and pulls out his can of chew. He taps the lid of it a couple of times with his thumb.


"I reckon dat won’t be happen. Unless ya’ll screw me out of da Universal Rumble win. DQ me at the last second, I know how shady you can be when it comes to dis. Ima sure someone in a office at headquarters der is some pencil pushing geek just brain storming as hard as he can to figure out a way of makin’ sure dat I, Nascar Billy, da one guy who outsells Caleb Hart at da merch table...or did when I worked week in and week out, from winnin’ dis here rumble. But try as hard as you might, it ain’t gunna help ya. Line up everyone on dat der roster. Make me come out first fer all I care. Ima flat out winnin’ dis rumble. I want it more den anyone in da locker room and if you don’t believe me….den I invite you to make a plea to Jay Jefferson himself to make damn well sure you and I, are da first two in da ring cuz I promise you, before the timer goes off and contestant number three walks down dat aisle to get in dat ring to get his ass whipped…..you’ll already be on on da outside of da ring.’


Billy stuffs his lip with chew and snaps the lid back on the back. He looks up and walking into the picture is Jenny Lynn. His new girlfriend. She is wearing a rebel flag belly shirt that if she raised her arms above her head, would ride up a touch too high and cut off jean shorty shorts you know her mom tried to throw out more than once. Jenny Lynn straddles Billy and slowly sits down on his lap looking over her shoulder towards the camera.


”I know my man Billy here will kick every single one of yer asses. I just believe in him so much….”


Jenny runs her hand through Billy’s long hair and pulls his face into her chest. Billy slowly slides his hands around her tiny waist pulling her in closer to himself.


”Just call me his little good luck charm cuz with me by his side and not that life sucking leach Jessica…..Billy here will be da man in da UWL. I just know it."


Jenny Lynn closes her eyes and rocks her hips back and forth a couple of times. Whatever that means…..


”I can feel it.”


Billy leans forward and this forces Jenny to lean back herself and she hangs onto Billy by wrapping her arms around his neck. Billy slowly draws his eyes up her body and towards the camera. He looks like a man possessed.


"Fer too long UWL...you tired to keep me away.

Fer too long UWL….You locked me out.”


Jenny runs her hand along Billy’s face making him look at her. They kiss.


"The cage has been unlocked.

The door is wide open.

The ragin’ redneck is loose.

On the run.

On a mission.

I have my sights set on one thing and one thing only….”


Again Jenny tugs on Billy beard making him look at her. She look in his eyes.


”Billy, sweetie. You have to do something for me.”


"What’s dat babe.”


”Promise me you’ll make em pay. Make them bleed fer what they did to you.”


"Fer you sweetheart, I will destroy dem all. Say da word and I will kill em all.”


Jenny strokes Billy beard, it’s kinda disturbing to watch but she has very quickly gotten him wrapped around her finger.


”I want what you want daddy. You want those belts, I want those belts. Will you get those belts for me Billy?”


"If you want dem, den they shall be….”


Billy kisses her on the neck and is moving south….Jenny then strikes Billy across the face, shoves him back into the chair, gets up off of his lap and slaps him once more. She takes her foot (she is barefoot) and plants her foot in middle of his chest and points at him.


”Den don’t disappoint me! MAKE DEM PAY BILLY!”


Jenny slaps Billy again across the face! I mean a hard slap! So hard he starts to bleed from the mouth. She storms off pissed off and Billy grips the armrests on the chair he’s in and starts to breath real heavy. He gets this “just been possessed by satan” look on his face.


"DEY…..WILL….ALL…..BE……MINE!


Fade out from cuckoo land…..