Post by Steve Sinclair on Oct 17, 2015 16:40:41 GMT
The scene opens up inside of a hotel room. Holiday inn maybe? Super 8? It’s hard to tell as they all look the same. It’s being shot POV style and who ever is holding the camera is laying on the bed. The TV is on and on the TV is UWL’s Hero and Outlaws during the TV match.
”Yeah bitches! Newest and best UWL asskicker here watching these bums right here. Who is in the match bae?”
Camera quickly pans over to the window where this stunning blonde is standing in front of it putting a shirt on. We catch a super quick glimpse of her backside. If you blinked, you missed it so it sucks to be you. She slowly turns around sporting a “I’m a Badass” t shirt. She is beautiful, Playboy model quality right there. She models the shirts, plays with her hair looking all sexy. It’s like she does this for a living you know.
”The Silverback? I’m not sure. It’s not you that’s all I know.” She says in a high pitched spoiled model voice. We then hear Barry Sharpe on the TV say Cory Chevelle’s name.
”That’s damn right bae. It doesn’t matter what bums are in this match for the TV belt because as we both know, if James Kelloggs was in this match……”
A quick pan back to the TV to see Autumn Raven running off of the ring apron to connect with a double kick on Cory Chevelle.
”Yeah all of those bitches wouldn’t stand a chance! That belt would be mine. I’d smack the Richard right into the middle of next week so hard his head would be spinning. I’d make the Silverback piss his pants and Autumn…..I’d have her screaming my name all night long and do you know why bae?”
The blonde slides onto the bed and snuggles up to James Kelloggs. She has that look in her eyes, the look that it’s going to be rated for late night on Showtime. She starts to rub her hand on his chest.
”Because you’re a badass James Kelloggs.”
”I’m not just a badass...I am the Badass! I’m not just for breakfast anymore! I’m coming UWL….I’m coming to take your titles. Make all of you my bitches and put all of you all on notice that when it comes to who is the best of the best in the UWL….you’re looking at him. I’m a Badass! IBA! James Kelloggs! Now bae. Take that shirt off. It offended me. NOW!”
She smiles.
”Yeah sweetheart, that’s right. You better listen to me! I’m JAMES KELLOGGS! And DON’T you EVER! Forget that!”
Fade out.
Buffalo Wild Wings….
Inside the very busy establishment that is nothing more than a glorified sports bar with overpriced junk as the camera comes to life. The place is busy, loud and the holder of the camera at the bar has the lens of the camera fixed on the big flat screen in back of the bar. On the screen is UWL’s weekly tv show on Showtime so you know it’s Saturday night, Last Saturday night…..
We see Craig Williams waiting for his chocolate protein shake when Shawn Sanders walks up to him and they begin to chit chat.
”Man! This is just cray cray! Complete and utter nonsense! Bullshit you know what I mean.” Says the voice of one James Kelloggs.
The guy at the bar next to him, a 3rd year college kid no doubt who is on a football scholarship and we know this because he looks like a meathead tool.
”Why’s that James? What did I miss? Caleb Hart didn’t have his match yet did he?” Also another clue that he is a tool.
The camera pans to him. ”What?”
”Yo man Caleb Hart is facing Evan Caravelle tonight. I can’t wait for that match! You know Evan is like the only active guy in all of UWL right this second yo who has defended Caleb Hart one on one! Bet you didn’t know that.”
The tool takes a shot.
”Evan Caravelle…...damnit now I want some f*cking ice cream! Bae! BAE!!!! SWEETHEART!”
The bartender walks on over to James and she is smoking hot, hotter than the random chick last week. She leans over the bar top and we catch a glimpse down her shirt. She smiles. These two have a a history.
”What’s up lover?”
”You got any ice cream?”
Puzzled look on her face. James zooms in on her lips. They are nice as Borat would say. Zooms back out. ”Who orders ice cream at the bar?”
”Some tool in the UWL, Evan Caravelle just reminded me that I want some ice cream. This hell hole have any?”
”I guess. What do you want? Hot fudge sundae?”
”What kind of question is that? Of course I want a hot fudge sundae! And while you’re at it, save some hot fudge for latter. I’ll lick it….”
Before James could finish his thought. ”Eww. That’s gross. How about I bring home a can of whip cream and go all Varsity Blues for you.”
”Bae….”
”Yes?”
”I love you! Now go get my sundae!”
She winks and walks off. James focuses on the screen of the TV and Williams and Sanders shake hands.
”First off dude. Caleb Hart still has that Triple Crown Title because I allow him to have that belt! Secondly the second I step foot in that UWL ring here in a couple of weeks, Evan Caravelle won’t be the only one in that shithole who can claim to have defeated Caleb Hart.”
”Oh I don’t know about that bro.”
The camera snaps to the tool next to him. ”Mother…..Bro! Bro! Dude! Who am I?”
”James Kelloggs.”
”What am I?”
The tool smirks and is proud to say it. He even points at James as he says it. ”You’re a Bad Mama Jamma! The Baddest dude on the face of the planet!”
”You’re goddamn right and don’t you forget it! When I say I will beat Caleb Hart’s ass….I will beat Caleb Hart’s ass! In fact! F*ck it! Make it 3 on 1! Williams, Sanders and Hart versus ME! I’ll defeat em! I’ll beat em! I’ll kick the shit out of those guys! Straight up school them! Why? BECAUSE I’M JAMES KELLOGGS BITCH! I’M A BADASS! And those three little pussies….they ain’t nothing but crust on the bottom of my shoe! Listen up UWL! All Star Spectacular! The Bad Ass James Kelloggs….I will make a my debut and I will kick someone’s ass! The Bad Ass Era is about to begin and none of you! I MEAN NONE OF YOU can stop me! And why? Because I am just that damn good! And I’ll prove it too!”
The GF has returned with ice cream. She sets it down on the counter in front of him.
”’Bout time!”
”Don’t yell at me!”
”I WILL IF I WANT TOO! Remember Bae! You’re replaceable! There is a line a mile long of chicks who want a peice of James Kelloggs! They want to start their day off right with a well balance breakfast! They want my golden nuts and honey! They want to wake up next to a winner because that is what I do! I am a winner! Not some loser like those bums on that TV right now! You hear me?”
No longer smiling. ”Yeah! I heard you. And she walks away. We all know what that means.
’Whatever! I’m going to pound this ice cream like I pound my opponents into submission. One scoop at a time and when I’m done, there will be nothing left of you! Don’t you forget that bitches! Peace out!”
James sets the camera down.
Fade out.
(Segment #2)
Commerce Casino, Los Angeles
Inside the new Playboy Bunny themed lounge called the “Lucky Rabbit Party Pit” that opened up last year we find our hero, your hero, everyone’s hero James Kelloggs once again tuning in for the action packed UWL action on Showtime on his Iphone via the Showtime app. Again shot POV style at the blackjack table in middle of the room. He keeps the camera moving from the start of Road to All Star Spectacular and the knock out gorgeous dealer in her bunny suit behind the table. Long flowing blonde hair that cascades over her shoulders and onto her round ample…”eyes”. It’s no wonder why the house always wins with a beauty like her dealing. Back to the start of the show where Tyson Turbo walks out to start the show….
The Bad Ass James Kelloggs takes a shot of whiskey and sets it down on the table as he tosses a chip in the pile. The dealer who James has called “Honey” all night long deals. There’s a couple of guys at the table as well but no one cares about them.
Bad Ass James Kelloggs ”Who the F is that little guy? What is he? 3 feet tall? Give me a break. Honey check this shit out!”
She glances at him but she has a job to do and some guys want some cards dealt. ”You have 18 James. What do you wish to do?”
Bad Ass James Kelloggs ”I wish to take you home and I’ll staying put till that happens.” James says and being rather blunt about what he really wants to do.
Bad Ass James Kelloggs ”Seriously. This is the best new talent the UWL can dig up? Tyson Turbo…..wait….hold on. Did those two words just come out of my mouth? Tyson Turbo? (Laughs) Shit! F*ck! He’s going to be a huge hit in the GLBT! Shame his theme music isn’t Pink Floyd’s Turbo Lover. What was his music anyways?”
He rewinds a couple of seconds on his phone and sets it back down on table in front of him. He catches Tyson Turbo’s theme song.
Bad Ass James Kelloggs ”Ah shit! Pretty fly for a white guy...that is just as bad. I hate and love this guy all at once.”
One of the guys at the other end of the table says something to James.
“Hey buddy. You mind? Go watch your stuff elsewhere.” He says looking rather annoyed. It’s then when the dealer busts and James wins the hand.
Honey “500 to the winner.”
Bad Ass James Kelloggs ”Yeah suck it bitch!”
Annoyed guy at the end of the table “Really? Is that how you are going to be?”
Bad Ass James Kelloggs ”Don’t hate cuz I’m taking all of your money while paying zero attention to what the fuck is going on. I’m up 5 grand bitch.”
Annoyed guy at the end of the table “I think it’s time for you to leave.”
Bad Ass James Kelloggs ”That ain’t happening bro. You still have some chips left and I’m taking them. Got it?”
Annoyed guy at the end of the table “Do we need to step outside?”
Bad Ass James Kelloggs ”Bro. What are you? Like 32? You’ll drop dead of a heart attack just stepping to the door so just sit there and lose the next couple of hands and give me all of you cash like a good little bitch. Got it?”
Honey ”Gentlemen. Settle down or both of you will have to leave.”
Annoyed guy at the end of the table “Why do I have to leave. He’s the one being the asshole.”
Bad Ass James Kelloggs ”Bro. You disrespect me one more time I’m standing up and when I do, it won’t be pretty. Just cuz you a loser.”
Annoyed guy at the end of the table “Screw you pal.”
Bad Ass James Kelloggs ”That’s it Mother….. you asked for it!”
James sets the camera down and you hear a ruckus going on after that. The table is bumped into and the camera falls from it and everything goes black…….
(Segment #12)
Couple of hours later
The camera comes back to life has James is walking out of the LAPD and we knows this by the logo on the glass door.
Bad Ass James Kelloggs ”Ah….well kiddies. Bad Ass James Kelloggs here visiting the LAPD and don’t worry they saved my seat for me cuz they knew I would be back. And if you’re wondering because I know you jack asses are, I kicked the shit out of the foul mouth disrespecting asshole. I f*cked him up! He’ll steer clear of me the next time he see me walking in his direction. You can believe that you know what I mean.”
James is just pointing the camera here and there and seems to waiting for something.
Bad Ass James Kelloggs ”So while I wait for my ride yo. I never did finish my thoughts on the new face of the UWL. The wee little man called Tyson Turbo. While in lock up I had to go back and watch what that little weasel said and you can do that because I cashed in my frequent visitor points and I swear to god that little dude said Turbonauts? Really? Bro….come on man. Grow up. And did he finish his promo with Shift into Turbo? Your boyfriend must be so proud of you you know. Shiiiiitttttttt.”
James points the camera down the street. We see a bunch of cars but none of em look like James ride.
Bad Ass James Kelloggs ”I also saw the UWL break out the pledge and dust off three old relics. Hill Billy Sutton. That guy is a drunk loser and nothing more. I won’t even waste my breath on that white trash soda can returner. He ain’t worth my time or effort. Then we have this Rob Daniels. He seems to be the biggest One Direction fan on the face of the earth. What? They take a break so it’s time for you get off your ass and do something? New Kids on the Block aren’t touring anymore? No one cares that your back and stop being so wishy washy on why you made this huge return. We know you’re just hear to recruit other bitches for your boy band. Stop dancing around the dildo bro.”
James points the camera in the other direction. Lots of car moving along, none of them are stopping.
Bad Ass James Kelloggs ”And then we have the old man. Arch Stanton. More like Ain’t Stepping or Standing no more. Really? Is this what the UWL has come to do? Hiring dudes in their 60’s? Do me a favor UWL. Don’t ever book me against that guy because I will make that old bastard pay! It won’t be a mercy killing either! I will make that old geezer suffer more than when he pisses and can’t pass the kidney stone. All Star Spectacular needs to hurry up and get here! The UWL needs someone like me! They need a injection of a Bad Ass! I’m like the best damn cream filled donuts you have ever had and all you bitches want my baked goods! My gooey goodness is to die for! It will leave on your knees begging! Just f*cking begging for more because you hoes ain’t never seen a man like me before! I am going to flip the UWL upside down and slap the ever loving shit out of it! The Bad Ass era is coming next week! You want a debut that will blow your minds? Tune in next week when the Bad Ass James Kelloggs slaps some sucker from pillar to post and has that guy not just quitting, but retiring at the end of the match! Straight up! Shit is going to get real! Speaking of shit going down.”
This long black limo pulls up in front of James and when it comes to a stop the rear window rolls down and sticking her head out the window is “Honey” the blackjack dealer from the cassino.
Honey “Hi baby.”
Bad Ass James Kelloggs ”BAE! So glad to see you. I knew you’d come and now it’s my turn to make sure you keep cumming and cumming…”
Honey “You said you would take me all over town first.”
Bad Ass James Kelloggs ”Oh I plan on doing that sweetheart. I’m taking you downtown. My favorite part of town. The best town in America. F*cking pound town! Now open that door and slide over bitch. James Kelloggs is going to give you a five course meal!”
Fade out
Backstage Jessica larkin is looking over her trusty notebook when she is joined by this long haired gothic beauty who kinda looks like a Suicidegirls version of Elvira. Long straight black hair, pale white face with a blue star tat under her one eye, low cut shirt and you can guess what is going on there, paw print tats on her cleavage, full sleeve Japanese tattoo in bright vivid color. She is just a stunning women if you’re into that sort of thing. Jessica is taken by surprise by her.
Jessica Oh hello? Can I help you?
The girl places her hands on her hips, shifts her weight to one hip and rolls her eyes.
Gothic chick Really bitch? That is how you are going to treat my man?
Jessica Excuse me? Who are you? I don’t see anyone else…
Jess looks to the right, she looks to the left, looks around the girl, there is no one.
Gothic Chick I should cut your heart out and eat right here you little disrespectful whore. Is that a way to greet the Bad Ass one? The future UWL Triple Crown Champion James Kelloggs!
Jessica slowly looks down and standing in front of the goth girl, when the camera pans down is Bad Ass James Kelloggs. Sporting a nice top of the line suit and dark as night shades he takes his chrome walking cane and taps it on the floor a couple of times.
Jessica Oh I’m sorry I didn’t see you there.
James Kelloggs Well maybe you should open your eyes up bitch. When the Bad Ass James Kelloggs comes around, you better drop whatever it is you’re doing, get off of whoever you're doing because I guarantee it’s NOT…..
James points at Jessica as Jessica kneels down holding the mic in front of James. He gives her a stern look.
James Kelloggs As important as ME! Got it hoe? Good. Now listen up bitches in the locker room. Last week at All Star Speculator the Bad Ass one bitched slap that humpback Matt Albright and this week the UWL has spared one of you asshats the beating of your lives! I didn’t know this when I signed the dotted line and brought the Bad Ass era to the UWL that this company is soft, it protects its weak ass offering of so called superstars from certain death and you know something, after learning this, maybe I should go somewhere where they will love the kind of awesome superstardom I bring with me. Maybe I should bolt this sad excuse of a company and watch it’s rating plummet when I show up on your direct competitors show and the ratings for that show go through the roof and I make even more money, but I have been advised that I should at least beat someone else down before I leave this company that employs rejects and window lickers such as Tyson Turbo. Such as Hardcore Comley. Such as Kris Pressure. Such as Kris Slade. Those four moron couldn’t wash my jockstrap let alone fill it! So on behalf of the advice of my team of legal advisors.
James removes his shades and snaps the earpieces in and holds them out for Jessica.
James Kelloggs Make yourself useful and hold these.
Jessica Excuse me?
James Kelloggs You heard me! Don’t make me repeat myself!
James snatches the mic from Jessica’s hand and tosses his shades at her, she catches them and doesn’t look very happy about it either.
James Kelloggs Someone is getting their ass beat next week! I swear one of you cabbage patch rejects is going to soil yourselves this time next week when you go one on one with the BadAss One! Another epic beatdown is on the WAY! I PROMISE! NEXT WEEK! ONE OF YOU WILL BE CHANGED FOREVER…...next week….one of you will have a bad case of the drools when I knock you silly! Do yourself a favor and pick up a ten pack of bibs and have it ready at ringside so the referee and wipe the spit from your lip after I whoop your ass! I’m taking you down to beatdown city, I’m going to show you what it’s like to be a complete and utter BADASS! Got it? Good!
James points at the camera one last time and starts to walk away when he stops.
James Kelloggs Oh and don’t forget the baby buttwipes either! You’ll need em you bunch of bitches! Here!
James tosses the mic at Jessica. She fumbles to catch it.
James Kelloggs Keep the shades as a keepsake blondie.
James and his girl leave as Jessica as this look of disgust on her face. She snaps the shades in half.
Fade out