Post by Steve Sinclair on Nov 26, 2015 22:18:02 GMT
Scene opens up inside a real fancy Hotel. It’s more of a apartment. Living room, kitchen, dining room and it’s decked out to the 9’s. Must cost a small fortune.
Sitting in his easy chair in a silk robe with a pipe hanging from his mouth while reading the newspaper is BadAss James Kelloggs. The football game is on, The Lions running wild over the Eagles, 45-7 in a game that is just thrilling, a real nailbiter. The camera moves in closer and James folds down the one corner of his newspaper.
”Why hello there. I didn’t see you there.” James says as he takes the pipe out of his mouth. ”Just me, the Bad Ass One sitting here in my apartment on the Strip in Vegas watching the game, catching up on the latest news and getting ready to have some Thanksgiving dinner with my main squeeze. She’s in the kitchen getting the meal ready and I can’t wait. Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays, behind Christmas and 4th of July when you get to blow sh*t up. Yes Thanksgiving is the time when you pause for the cause, reflect on the year that was and give thanks. Thanks for this sh*tty game that is just dreadful to watch.”
James snaps his newspaper and folds it in half.
”Thanks for all of the bitches I made loved to all year and to give thanks that I didn’t up like Charlie Sheen. I don’t care what he says, he ain’t winning no more. If that’s winning, I’ll pass and go at it solo.” James says and takes a puff from his pipe.
”Thanks for all of the money I made, the money I haven’t spent and the money I spent and all of the fun I had with it. I’d like to give thanks to crotchless panties, push up bras and the bitches that wear them for me. Thanks to girls at the Dollhouse. Thanks to whoever invented the Brazilian and thanks to all of the ladies out there who helped grow this from a fad to the standard operating procedure. Seriously, from the bottom of my heart, Thank you.”
James takes another puff of his pipe.
”Thanks to planet fitness and allowing me to have a global membership. Thanks to the folks at Fiat and for custom building me a Fiat 500. That car fits me like a glove and f*ck off to anyone out there right now chuckling your stupid mullet wearing heads off. I can’t help that I’m f*cking four feet tall you dumb f*cks! Also, sorry for f*cking your old lady in the backseat of my Fiat 500. It’s very roomy back there, just ask your bitch about it.”
James girlfreind of the day pops her head into the doorway. Today she’s a blonde straight from the pages of Playboy.
”James sweetie.”
”Yes Bae?”
”Dinner is almost done darling. About 5 more minutes. I hope you’re ready….”
”Oh Bae...I’m always ready.”
”I know! I love you!”
She disappears back into the kitchen.
”I’m thankful for her today. I don’t have a clue what she’s cooking but it smells fantastic. But do you know what I am really thankful for? I mean really thankful of?”
James scoots forward in his chair and leans towards the camera.
”My tag team partner. Binky. Binky the bear and no I didn’t f*cking studder. I have teamed up with a big, powerful, hungry, man eating, flesh tearing bear! A GODDAMN BEAR! Best Team Eva? Who gives a f*ck! I’ve got a f*cking bear! You see I know everyone and their inbred brothers and first cousin sisters are all beating off because Josh Eagles and Shawn Stevens have returned to the UWL. They are plastering the walls, raping sheep, knocking up their moms and skinny dipping in septic tanks proclaiming that the Best Team Eva will win this whole little tournament……”
James pause and takes a puff from his pipe with his eyes fixed on the camera.
”My partner is a bear….a bear that will rip apart the Eagles worst than the Lions did today! A bear that will spend every little kid who is repeating 3rd grade for the 5th time running in fear when Binky guts and plucks every feather from the cherished little Eagle. Oh he might have won everything under the sun in the UWL but that guy….he can’t beat a bear! I’ll bet on it! And then when he steps over the carcass of Josh Eagles he will see his favorite snack of them all. The old Shawn snack. We saw what happened the last time Binky came into contact with a Shawn and it wasn’t pretty. Refresh my memory, where is Shawn Sanders?”
James scoots back in his chair and takes a hit from his pipe.
”The Best Team Eva...go ahead and hype it up. Get everyone excited for your return because you will be one and done in this tournament. Binky is starting this match, he won’t tag me in because he won’t have to tag me in. He’ll knock you out with his paws, sink his teeth in and snaps his neck back and forth thus snapping your neck. Pray for a quick death you two! Pray that he kills you! Pray….that he doesn’t play with you, stringing you on giving you hope, hope that you might escape with only a few scrapes, a missing finger of two because that is the only hope you have in this match. Victory surely isn’t in your cards boys but life support might be! Yes…”
”James! Dinner is ready!” She calls out from the other room.
”December the 5th will be the reunion and death of the Best Team Eva.”
James sets his pipe down and stands up.
”Coming dear!”
James walks into the other room, the dining room. When he walks in he stops and smirks. From across the room all we see is a bare leg of his girlfriend up on the table top. Use your imagination.
”Now there is a meal I can really devour.” James says. His girlfriend chuckles.
”I hope it’s juicy enough for you but I have to apologize.”
”Apologize for what Bae?”
”I didn’t make any stuffing.”
James starts to untie his robe. ”Don’t worry dear. I think I can give that a good stuffing.”
”I was hoping you’d say that.”
Before he drops his robe behind him James glances at the camera. ”Best Team Eva? More like Best Thanksgiving Eva!”
Fade out.