Post by Steve Sinclair on Dec 18, 2015 22:17:45 GMT
"Yeah 14 of em. Yup. I’ve got it. I don’t care what overnight shipping costs, I need this stuff tomorrow. In fact I need this stuff yesterday! Lives are at stake! Do you understand me? Good. By 7AM. It better be there! Bye.”
Scene fades in to see HillBilly Sutton standing in front of his D6 bulldozer on his phone. Billy sets his phone down on top of the blade and picks up his can of chew.
"Well, we’ll see if the fine folks at Granger are a company of their word and overnight my order. It dawned on me the other day that there is one thing missing from this Universal Gauntlet match and that one thing is something OSHA likes to call P.P.E.”
Billy taps the top of his chew can and pops the top.
"I learned all about P.P.E. a couple of years ago when I was hired to man the bouncy house at the county fair. Now you might be wondering what kind of P.P.E. would you need to take tickets and keep track of time at the bouncy house with little kids bouncing all over on the inside of this thing but trust me, there is a list a mile long of all of the crap you need to man the bouncy house. Shoes, closed toed shoes. Gloves to check the tie downs. Gloves again to check the plug on the pump. Blue Jeans so you don’t get cut on the straps that hold that sucker down when the wind picks up. Sunglasses to protect your eyes from the sun. Sunscreen on exposed skin and latex gloves, apron, goggles and everything you need to clean up kiddie puke when one of those little bastards throw up the 15 hot dogs and two tubs of popcorn they just inhaled mere seconds before climbing inside the bouncy house. You do not want to get puke on you at all! It will ruin your night!”
Billy holds his lip out and stuffs his bottom lip full of chew.
"It is my time as the guy at the bouncy house that reminded me that everyone else in this gauntlet match are ill prepared for what is about to hit them! From Craig Williams, The Hammer, Broseph, Danielson, Autumn Raven, Evan Caravelle and so on and so forth all the way down to Arch Stanton himself. All of you! Every single one of you! Are in grave danger! Bodily harm awaits each and every single one of you. This isn’t a joke guys. Just consider this a early Christmas gift from your pal HillBilly Sutton.”
Billy moves away from the blade of his bulldozer and moves to the side of it where he stands in front of a table. On the table is a couple of wrapped boxes.
"None of you have woken up and took note of what is awaiting for you at Thompson-Boling arena in Knoxville tomorrow night. Sitting outside of that arena, just fuming. Just waiting for the bell to ring, his name to be called because when they call my name, the fuel is being dumped in the cylinders, that fuel is going to ignite and burn and that rumble you will here backstage….this building shaking rumble, like the ground underneath your feet is trying to run for it’s life because it knows the pain train is on it’s way and it doesn’t want to get hurt and if you were smart, you would follow the dirt and exit the building because when I throw it in gear and start to lurch forward and lay waste to everything and everyone in front of me…..”
Billy rests his hands on box in front of him.
"You will want this stuff to have on hand to help you. To save you! Without this stuff I can not guarantee that you will see the first of the year! I have just order all of you in this match tomorrow night one of the following items for you to use to save yourself, so you don’t get hurt when the Pain Train emerges out of the back and starts bulldozing sh*t up! I am not messing around, this is serious business and you need to take your safety first and foremost. I’m taking the this opportunity to take home the UWL Triple Crown Championship seriously and I don’t care who is in front of me, I don’t care who I have to hurt to get my hands on those title belts! When my name is called, and the black smoke is rolling from my stack! You guys in that ring.”
Billy spits.
"Better reach for your P.P.E. because at that second. Shit just got real! FIRST! You will need this!”
Billy picks up the first box and under the box is a hard hat. Billy spray painted it green and slapped a UWL sticker on it.
"Protect your noggin. You don’t want a concussion! It’ll leave it you out of work for up to a year and it might end your career! So don’t be a dork, put your hard hat on! Next!”
Billy slides down the table to the next box and lifts the box to reveal a pair of safety glasses.
"Next to your brain you will want to protect your eyes! When I rev the motor, lower that blade down and start moving forward without a care in the world, stuff is going to get sent flying! Shards of this and that might end up in your eyes resulting in you losing your eyesight and that is the kiss of death in this sport! There has never been a blind wrestler! Put your glasses on!”
Billy slides down one more box, which is 2 little boxes. Billy picks up the one box on the left.
"After your brain, your eyes, the next thing you will want to save is your twig and berries! Nothing will ruin your life like a busted nut so grab yourself a cup and slide that into your trunks. And for the chicks in this match, Autumn Raven and Turbo Tyson I didn’t forget you two either.”
Billy lifts up the other box and under it the female version of a nut cup, which is basically a pair of hard plastic panties.
"Got to protect your yoo ha you know, so just follow the boys and slide your hands down your pants. Once you got all of this P.P.E. on you will need one more piece of P.P.E and it’s more a collection of stuff and this is the final final box you will need.”
Billy picks up the last box and under it is a pile of pads.
"Knee pads. Elbow pads. Shin guards, everything you will need to try and protect your limbs when I toss you over the top rope and deposit you on the outside of the ring and you crash and burn on that concrete floor! Do yourself a favor, dress up for safety, dress up for the ride of your lives! With this P.P.E……”
Billy spits again and takes a couple of steps back so you can see everything on the table.
"With your Personal Protective Equipment, you will be able to go to bed Saturday night knowing you did everything in your power to save yourself, to ensure you can still be a fully functioning citizen of the UWL! Once this Gauntlet match is over with and I am crowned the new UWL Triple Crown Champion, you can set your eyes on the UWL Prestige Championship for that will be the only championship in the UWL worth your time even thinking about, the only championship that could be attained by you as the Triple Crown and the TV and soon the Tag Team titles will be in the hands of the Bionic Rednecks and if you thought Caleb Hart had a nice long reign…..”
Billy starts to climb up onto his bulldozer and fires it up. It rumbles to life.
"You haven’t seen anything yet!”
Fade out.